“And let there be no purpose in relationships save the deepening of the spirit.”
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran
If I had a Rand (yes, not even a dollar!) for every time I’ve been asked that question, I’d be sitting in the pound seats! I think that every person would probably define it slightly differently from the next. Some might say that two people that manage to stay together for life are in a successful relationship. Really? Even if they have not had sex or an in-depth conversation for 30 years? Others might say, if they don’t fight. But is it a successful relationship if they don’t fight because one or both have given up declaring how they feel? So many people, so many opinions.
All of us have at some stage had our struggles with relationships. It is inherent in the design of a relationship: two sets of values, two communication styles, two sets of emotional and sexual needs, two sets of expectations regarding relationships, etc. Is it any wonder that we get lost in this jungle? And the more intimate we are, the higher the stakes are and more expectations we have of our partners. Conflict seems to be a function of intimacy. The more energy we invest into someone, the more we expect that person to meet our needs, consciously or unconsciously.
But what if relationships are not designed to make you happy until you ride off into the sunset? Would you still want one? What would the purpose of a relationship be then? And if you know a relationship will sometimes make you happy and sometimes dog-miserable, how would you define a successful relationship?
For me the answer is written in the forecourt of the temple of Apollo at Delphi: Know Thyself. There is no other place in our lives where we are given the chance to learn who we are with such clarity, as in the image that our intimate partners reflect back at us. And what we see isn’t always pretty.
One way of deepening our self knowledge is through the ancient analytical system of astrology. Through this lens one can look at how we employ the various parts of our psyche in an intimate relationship. And of course, once one sees one’s own behavioural patterns clearly, one can make conscious choices on which ones to keep, which to discard and which to change.
Using the elements of an astrological analysis, one would look at a person’s core personality, their emotional needs, their communication style, their relationship preferences and their sexual drivers.
There is a common belief that good communication is the number one prerequisite for a successful relationship. But somehow we humans seem to have a lot of trouble with the simple mechanics of sending and receiving a message! Could it be that our habitual communication style needs to be adapted in order to be more finely tuned to that of our partner’s? For example, if our communication style has the characteristics of the earth element, we would be talking straight, matter-of-factly and to the point. If we then encounter someone who has more of a water element emphasis, we would have to adapt our style to a more feelings-based approach, so that they feel heard and validated.
In the process of exploring our communication style, we would of course also take a look at how we listen, as well! It is also helpful to negotiate beforehand what the rules of engagement are, when encountering a conflict situation.
Through any type of self-exploration, we become more aware of the mechanics of our own mind. With more knowledge of ourselves, we are set free from being a victim of living a life by default and we can make conscious choices that enable us to become our best possible selves. Sometimes relationship trouble is just what we need in order to kick-start a journey towards a more conscious life.
And what greater success story is there than having a more balanced, healthier and conscious outlook on life? Perhaps Eckhart Tolle has a point when he says that relationships aren’t there to make us happy, they are there to make us conscious.
Written by Babett Baer, Counselling Astrologer and director of AstroDate
http://www.astrodate.co.za/consultations.asp
